Have you ever been told that you are a “a bit too…” something?
For the record, you should know that I am, “a bit too nice,” and also, “a bit too enthusiastic.” Which I guess means that I care about other people a bit too much (damn it) and also can be annoyingly optimistic (I know right, nightmare).
I have also definitely been told that I am, “a bit too quiet” (not gonna get that promotion if you don’t speak up loud enough) and on another day, “a bit too loud” (shhh with all your ideas. BBC presenter Naga Munchetty could probably tell you a lot about this one, she has been told by trolls that her voice is “grating” and “like a foghorn”. Oh these loud women taking up space with their voices.)
My whole career I’ve been aware that you can demand your seat at the table but may risk being put into the category of, “a bit too awkward.” Now, now, don’t be awkward. Or, you could ask nicely for your seat at the table and then fit perfectly into an explanation of why you didn’t get said seat because you are, “a bit too unambitious”. Oh.
Or actually, maybe it was because I was, “a bit too blonde” (I’ve apparently looked worthy of patronising on a few different reception desks). A bit too young (oh yes) and now probably, a bit too old (I’ve not experienced this one yet, lucky me, one to look forward to). Oh, and that agonising one that left me floundering for years, “a bit too pregnant” (only said out loud in the privacy of an office with the door shut).
For a long time I got confused (easily done, I’m a bit too naive) and thought it was all about finding some consistency. I needed to be firm and argumentative in meetings (but not ‘too unlikeable’ you understand, not like one of those ‘ball breakers’.) Ok, so not too argumentative then? Just a bit argumentative?
Confusing, isn’t it? Takes up SO much energy. Almost like…you can’t win. Funny that. Can you imagine what might happen if we could all just BE who we were meant to be. If back then, when I was told that my enthusiasm might mean that I wasn’t taken seriously, I just said, “well actually, I think you’ll find that it is my super power.” That’s not denying that some feedback is helpful, I’m not suggesting that people can’t and shouldn’t change sometimes. Or that women are the only receivers of this kind of remark. But I’m pretty sure that women face a lot more of said ‘feedback’ than men. And lots of it is sexist, belittling and self-serving.
Which is the long way of telling you why I wrote this poem…which inspired this print…that you can now buy, hurray, woohoo, hurrah!!! (I did warn you, numerous explanation marks, very enthusiastic).
A print that is already up on my own wall as a reminder not to adapt myself to fit into a societal structure that treats me badly. A reminder to embrace all the parts of myself that make me who I am, that actually give me my strength. A reminder that I want to be, “too much for the patriarchy”. I want my kids to be, “too much for the patriarchy.” My pal Bryony, who has the sort of laugh you can hear two streets away. She’s way too much for the patriarchy. One of these prints has her name on it.
I’m thinking this last line would be great on a tote bag actually?! Eeeek, first things first though. Prints. My little online shop of (mostly feminist) prints is now officially open. There’s a handful of my favourite poems all printed on beautiful paper that would make splendid gifts, in my biased opinion. It took me WAY longer than I thought to design these (packaging alone sent my head into a complete spin, if you are beyond the UK then please just message me and we can sort out postage). I’ve had them ready for a few weeks but struggled to press send (for lots of reasons).
But I am now thrilled to be sharing them with you. Along with the full version of the poem that inspired the art.
With love,
Nelly x
P.s I’d love to hear your personal “a bit too” in the comments. You know, so that we can all agree to be so much more of the same :)
As in, a bit too powerful
She’s a bit too much
A bit too over enthusiastic, you know
A bit full of herself
A bit too loud
She’s a bit too quiet
A bit too honest.
You know, says it how it is
A bit too often.
She’s a bit too soft
A bit too naïve
She thinks the world is all good
Her head is a bit too ‘in the clouds’
She’s a bit too bossy
A bit too full on
A bit too abrasive
Rubs people up the wrong way, you know
She’s a bit too trusting
She cares a bit too much
A bit too bothered about what people think
She’ll be walked all over one day, you could say
She’s a bit too ruthless
A bit too opinionated
A bit too fierce
And no-one likes that, do they
Oh and now she’s a bit too sensitive
Takes things a bit too personally
A bit too fragile
I only said it was a bit and now she’s all “poor me”
If she could be just a bit less
A bit less visible
A bit less herself
That would work better, you see
She's a bit too confident
A bit too much trouble
A bit too disruptive
She's a bit too much, for the patriarchy.
Well I think you can add “a bit too brilliant” to your list as well now!
The prints are fab. I know the perfect person to get this for and that’s officially my first Xmas prezzie purchased, so thank you!
And yes, there was a director like this at Bupa who gradually moulded me into a faint shadow of my true self with his continual “feedback” that I talked too much, was too challenging, was too enthusiastic…. (Seriously - how the actual eff can “too much enthusiasm” be a bad thing in a job? It’s like the concept of “too many ice creams” - it doesn’t exist!)
This is a very relatable poem beautifully written. Love it! I’ve definitely been too quiet, too honest, too emotional and too sensitive in my life. But trying to embrace who I truly am without constantly moulding myself into what others want. Your poems make wonderful prints.