It's such a great con, isn't it? Persuading girls they have to be perfect pretty much stops most of them stepping into the arena at all. Persuade boys they are shit hot, competent doers and they will bounce into the arena with confidence and take more then their fair share and keep patriarchy ticking over nicely.
This is so powerful. The idea that we don’t have to wait until society deems us ‘acceptable’ to take up space, to share our work, to show up boldly—it’s something I’m actively unlearning. As someone who spent years trying to be small (physically, emotionally, energetically), I feel this call to give 60% in my bones. To let myself be in process instead of waiting for perfection. Thank you for this reminder—it’s exactly what I needed today.
Ooo that last line about censoring yourself in case someone does it for you 😳 don’t we all know it.
I absolutely love your advocating for women to stop polishing and over-efforting everything. I’m almost nauseous thinking about the wasted energy on this in my life.
Thank you for bringing this more forward into my consciousness as well as the accountability to stop fearing that I’ll be faulted, even by me!
i will look for the link, but about two years ago the washington post (USA) advice columnist took a question about this in her chat and advocated for what she called 'maximum efficacy of ass'; that is, exactly what you are saying! do the half-assed job and get back to the good stuff. THAT is maximum efficacy of ass and so many of us have been socialized and pressured to force more out of ourselves when that is already more than enough. ❤️
I live by the motto, “perfect is the enemy of progress”. Good enough is good enough. Perfection is too time consuming for too little incremental gain, and it’s absolutely OK for women to carve out time for themselves. The family will survive. You will survive. The trick is not to give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks.
I have reconciled with this for years! Especially when my 60% is often others’ 90% or 100%. I’ve even worked through it in therapy because I feel so deeply hardwired to just push at 100% always, when I take the foot off the pedal, my inner critic starts to get real mad. More tips welcome ✌🏻
Wow. 👏 I very recently stepped away from a job because of exactly this. A situation where myself and my coworkers (all women), were 100% qualified to do our jobs plus that of the manager’s (a man who definitely was not qualified to do his). It was exhausting. Then it occurred to me that neither of us thought to apply for the senior position, and so the only man who did, despite his complete lack of leadership skills, was automatically rewarded! It made me so angry 😂 Every single one of us left eventually, and the Board did absolutely nothing about the situation, so I know I’ve done the right thing. I am now freelancing/winging it - and very careful about pouring all my energy into work. I’d say 60% is a fair assessment and a good target to aim for!
Gahhhh, how often do you think this pattern repeats itself. It must happen ALL the time. Brilliant women just missing out. I’m glad you are out of there and now ploughing your own path. How are you finding freelancing life?
It is an adjustment, but I’ve been lucky so far and I count myself privileged not to be working for incompetent managers (at least for now!). And you’re right, it is just a pattern that keeps repeating itself. How long until all the good women leave and the managers realise hey have no one left to pick up their slack? 🤔
Such a powerful post Nelly, LOVED this. I'm all for showing up imperfectly - I used to completely stop myself from doing so many things because of perfectionism or worrying what other people thought of me, now I'm just like, well I'm going to give it a go and see what happens. If it works great, if it doesn't, well I've still learnt something along the way.
I'm SO beyond happy that these conversations are being had. We, as women, need to stop burning ourselves out for work that goes unnoticed anyway. The fact that one of the biggest blaggers in the world is currently running one of the biggest countries in the world is just the epitome of bullshitting men being more valued than actually qualified women. And it's killing our planet. I'm so sick of it.
I loved reading this. It isn't the first time I've read about this concept but I'm grateful that you added to the conversation. Not only because we need your unique perspective but because apparently I need to hear a message 17 times before I digest it?! The struggle is real, but I'm trying to put my work out sans perfection!
I feel like this needs a massive whoop, fucking, whoop first off, secondly i have only just read this so found the correlation with my recent post quite funny and finally im doing a lot of reading on late diagnosed autistic women, at the moment and apparently the “doing you best doesn’t actually mean giving 110% every time” is quite common particularly for autistic women and now I know why I’ve probably been in and out of autistic burn out for about 10 years 🤦🏽♀️
So glad that you are now finding your way out of it. And you know, genuinely, I didn't notice one spelling mistake in that post. Just didn't see one. I was too busy enjoying the content! x
I've been working on this for the past year and my nervous system is just starting to recover from decades of chronic perfectionism. I finally feel moments of joy again.
Oh my goodness. All of this. Have to say, though, this line made me laugh out loud
'Note: Do not do this if you are a doctor.'
Well I was (am?) one and let me tell you, there is no difference in that profession either. As a trainer part of my job was to fill it forms to assess competence of surgeons in training. It was usual practice that they would fill them in first to effectively 'self-evaluate' and then they would be sent to me or a colleague for signing off. It was utterly remarkable, the gender difference, in those forms I was sent. The women would have marked themselves as 'satisfactory' at best, often 'needs development'. A man whose performance had been distinctly mediocre? He would send a form full of 'outstanding's! There is so much of this stuff I need to write about, too. Thank you for this essay, it's perfect, and timely, and we need to learn to give ourselves a break and also shout up for what we CAN do. 🩵
Oh wow. Oh. Wow. That story. Yes please, write more on that story. That’s really something. How infuriating. And then it annoyingly must become a bit self fulfilling? That over confidence actually leading to more opportunities that do then develop. And vice versa.
Gah, I wonder if any profession is without this problem?
Oh it definitely does. There is no confidence greater than that of a mediocre white man. Interestingly though, the truly talented men tended to underestimate their abilities too. There's a research project in it somewhere - must be multiple socioeconomic factors at play...
I was just having this exact thought yesterday. I'm giving 100% to the things that don't bring me joy, to be left with close to 0% for the things that could potentially light me up. The balance needs to be shifted, and honestly everyone in my life would benefit, not least of which, me. Thank you for writing what I'd been thinking!
Yes, quite. That’s the other angle isn’t it. That some of the stuff that matters ends up getting the dregs of what we have left to give. Yes. Hmm. Got me thinking. Thank you. Good luck with the shifting process. Cheering you on from afar x
It's such a great con, isn't it? Persuading girls they have to be perfect pretty much stops most of them stepping into the arena at all. Persuade boys they are shit hot, competent doers and they will bounce into the arena with confidence and take more then their fair share and keep patriarchy ticking over nicely.
Yep, exactly this. Just one massive pre-meditated set up that becomes a whole self fulfilling prophecy if you don’t actively fight it. Arghhhhhh
This is so powerful. The idea that we don’t have to wait until society deems us ‘acceptable’ to take up space, to share our work, to show up boldly—it’s something I’m actively unlearning. As someone who spent years trying to be small (physically, emotionally, energetically), I feel this call to give 60% in my bones. To let myself be in process instead of waiting for perfection. Thank you for this reminder—it’s exactly what I needed today.
I’m sooooo glad, I feel that spark myself ⚡️
Ooo that last line about censoring yourself in case someone does it for you 😳 don’t we all know it.
I absolutely love your advocating for women to stop polishing and over-efforting everything. I’m almost nauseous thinking about the wasted energy on this in my life.
Thank you for bringing this more forward into my consciousness as well as the accountability to stop fearing that I’ll be faulted, even by me!
Oh the time spent, it really is nauseating you’re right. And collectively, I can’t even start. Thank you for your comment x
i will look for the link, but about two years ago the washington post (USA) advice columnist took a question about this in her chat and advocated for what she called 'maximum efficacy of ass'; that is, exactly what you are saying! do the half-assed job and get back to the good stuff. THAT is maximum efficacy of ass and so many of us have been socialized and pressured to force more out of ourselves when that is already more than enough. ❤️
Oh I like 'maximum efficacy of ass' very much. Thank you
As my sister reminds me, “good enough is good enough”. Great read, thank you!
Your sister sounds like a great person to have on your side!
I live by the motto, “perfect is the enemy of progress”. Good enough is good enough. Perfection is too time consuming for too little incremental gain, and it’s absolutely OK for women to carve out time for themselves. The family will survive. You will survive. The trick is not to give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks.
That is the trick. You are absolutely right! "too time consuming for too little incremental gain" - ooh that's the line that is grabbing me.
I have reconciled with this for years! Especially when my 60% is often others’ 90% or 100%. I’ve even worked through it in therapy because I feel so deeply hardwired to just push at 100% always, when I take the foot off the pedal, my inner critic starts to get real mad. More tips welcome ✌🏻
Yep me too. It's like the worst ever safety net isn't it. A shit safety net that somehow feels better than no safety net sometimes.
Such a shit safety net! Thank you for validating 💜
Wow. 👏 I very recently stepped away from a job because of exactly this. A situation where myself and my coworkers (all women), were 100% qualified to do our jobs plus that of the manager’s (a man who definitely was not qualified to do his). It was exhausting. Then it occurred to me that neither of us thought to apply for the senior position, and so the only man who did, despite his complete lack of leadership skills, was automatically rewarded! It made me so angry 😂 Every single one of us left eventually, and the Board did absolutely nothing about the situation, so I know I’ve done the right thing. I am now freelancing/winging it - and very careful about pouring all my energy into work. I’d say 60% is a fair assessment and a good target to aim for!
Gahhhh, how often do you think this pattern repeats itself. It must happen ALL the time. Brilliant women just missing out. I’m glad you are out of there and now ploughing your own path. How are you finding freelancing life?
It is an adjustment, but I’ve been lucky so far and I count myself privileged not to be working for incompetent managers (at least for now!). And you’re right, it is just a pattern that keeps repeating itself. How long until all the good women leave and the managers realise hey have no one left to pick up their slack? 🤔
Such a powerful post Nelly, LOVED this. I'm all for showing up imperfectly - I used to completely stop myself from doing so many things because of perfectionism or worrying what other people thought of me, now I'm just like, well I'm going to give it a go and see what happens. If it works great, if it doesn't, well I've still learnt something along the way.
I need a constant reminder, do you? It’s like I work on it for a bit but then suddenly realise it has seeped back in. Here’s to far less perfect 🙌
I'm SO beyond happy that these conversations are being had. We, as women, need to stop burning ourselves out for work that goes unnoticed anyway. The fact that one of the biggest blaggers in the world is currently running one of the biggest countries in the world is just the epitome of bullshitting men being more valued than actually qualified women. And it's killing our planet. I'm so sick of it.
Yep. I'm with you. So infuriating isn't it.
I loved reading this. It isn't the first time I've read about this concept but I'm grateful that you added to the conversation. Not only because we need your unique perspective but because apparently I need to hear a message 17 times before I digest it?! The struggle is real, but I'm trying to put my work out sans perfection!
Haha me too. At least 17, maybe 1700. Thank you x
I feel like this needs a massive whoop, fucking, whoop first off, secondly i have only just read this so found the correlation with my recent post quite funny and finally im doing a lot of reading on late diagnosed autistic women, at the moment and apparently the “doing you best doesn’t actually mean giving 110% every time” is quite common particularly for autistic women and now I know why I’ve probably been in and out of autistic burn out for about 10 years 🤦🏽♀️
So glad that you are now finding your way out of it. And you know, genuinely, I didn't notice one spelling mistake in that post. Just didn't see one. I was too busy enjoying the content! x
Oh thanks lovely - I worry my posts are all a bit too deep & don’t quite flow so that’s nice to hear x
I've been working on this for the past year and my nervous system is just starting to recover from decades of chronic perfectionism. I finally feel moments of joy again.
I am so so happy that this has started shifting for you ☀️
Oh my goodness. All of this. Have to say, though, this line made me laugh out loud
'Note: Do not do this if you are a doctor.'
Well I was (am?) one and let me tell you, there is no difference in that profession either. As a trainer part of my job was to fill it forms to assess competence of surgeons in training. It was usual practice that they would fill them in first to effectively 'self-evaluate' and then they would be sent to me or a colleague for signing off. It was utterly remarkable, the gender difference, in those forms I was sent. The women would have marked themselves as 'satisfactory' at best, often 'needs development'. A man whose performance had been distinctly mediocre? He would send a form full of 'outstanding's! There is so much of this stuff I need to write about, too. Thank you for this essay, it's perfect, and timely, and we need to learn to give ourselves a break and also shout up for what we CAN do. 🩵
Oh wow. Oh. Wow. That story. Yes please, write more on that story. That’s really something. How infuriating. And then it annoyingly must become a bit self fulfilling? That over confidence actually leading to more opportunities that do then develop. And vice versa.
Gah, I wonder if any profession is without this problem?
Oh it definitely does. There is no confidence greater than that of a mediocre white man. Interestingly though, the truly talented men tended to underestimate their abilities too. There's a research project in it somewhere - must be multiple socioeconomic factors at play...
I was just having this exact thought yesterday. I'm giving 100% to the things that don't bring me joy, to be left with close to 0% for the things that could potentially light me up. The balance needs to be shifted, and honestly everyone in my life would benefit, not least of which, me. Thank you for writing what I'd been thinking!
Yes, quite. That’s the other angle isn’t it. That some of the stuff that matters ends up getting the dregs of what we have left to give. Yes. Hmm. Got me thinking. Thank you. Good luck with the shifting process. Cheering you on from afar x
I’ve been thinking recently of that Sarah Hagi quote, “give me the confidence of a mediocre white dude.” 🙌
Quite!!!