We need to talk about male role models

This IWD and every day...

This is a longer piece so I’ve done a voiceover incase you’d rather listen instead. If you’d like to support the time it takes to produce these pieces you can become a paid subscriber by clicking the link below. Thanks.

We talk a lot about the importance of positive role models for women, for our girls.

“How can you be what you can’t see,” is a sentiment often repeated as we read aloud stories of Beyonce as a kick-ass business woman, sing along as Taylor Swift ‘shakes off’ that no good boyfriend, dancing our way ever closer to girl power. This International Women’s Day (IWD) will be full of them. Quotes, power poses, talks. This is what we want: More women living their fullest (and safest) lives, more women able to fulfil their true potential, more women in positions of leadership which we know will then lead to better outcomes for all humans, not just women. Hurray to that.

But where does this leave men? Mic drop.

I’m joking of course, I’ve not suddenly joined the right wing, please don’t immediately unsubscribe. We know of course that men aren’t ‘left’ anywhere.

But how about if you did want to visualise what might be possible, share what a good job looks like with your children. All you’d need to do is look around at the plentiful examples of men demonstrating how excellent the world will be for EVERYONE when we destroy capitalist patriarchal ideology. Just take a look…erm…on YouTube? Oh no. Not YouTube. Definitely not on YouTube. How about at all the celebrities, some of them are actively, oh…but actually not that one, turns out that one was was just saying he supported women when he actually faces allegations of sexual assault. Ok then, how about looking at youth clubs and local community groups, surely there are plenty of examples to be found…oh. There’s not that many of those left…

Well, this is confusing.

Where are all the male allies, the men requesting pay transparency in order to highlight the gender pay gap even when it doesn’t appear to impact them directly, the fathers sorting out a gift for their kids party at the weekend, the male activists planning how to fight abortion bans in the US (there are some, right?) I know there are some. Of course there are. But let’s just say, I’m not falling over the list.

---

Why does this matter, doesn’t our focus need to be on women and girls?

I’ll be honest, I used to think this was the main solution.

And this might seem like an odd post to send out on IWD, this day of the whole - “let’s pretend we have a female-focused agenda in our organisation by arranging for an hour-long talk once a year” nonsense (I used to work in HR for a large corporate, excuse me if I sound cynical after years of box ticking).

But when Trump won his second term in office (voted for by millions of (mostly white) women), I realised my feminism needed a massive shake up. It highlighted how my unwavering belief that women automatically support other women is built on my being a white, middle class, heterosexual woman - only occasionally experiencing any evidence to the contrary. I was/am part of the problem. Our coming together needs to be with all others, gender irrelevant, who believe in fighting for human beings to live in a fair and just world where love overpowers hate. Which might sound lofty and over-simplistic right now but I have to cling to the idea that we have more in common than divides us.

Which is 100% not to say I don’t believe we should have days or organisations (and the rest) solely dedicated to fighting for women’s rights. I’m not against IWD (how could I be against any day that seeks better for half the population - I just dislike fem-washing, hmm doesn’t work quite the same as green-washing does it, ha).

But my belief that men need to be a part of the solution is stronger than ever.

Also, I am raising two boys, I have a husband who I love, I imagine most of us have men in our lives who we care about deeply. There are men I don’t know who I care about because they are my fellow humans.

The gap left when there are no positive male role models is quickly being filled by people who don’t have women’s (or humanities) best interests at heart.

This is something we all need to be concerned about. Something we all need to be talking about more. This International Womens Day, of course I’ll be flying the flag for women, that almost goes without saying but I am also looking at my teenage son sat on the sofa and wondering which flags he’ll be flying. Parenting boys is an absolute minefield right now. And I’ll be really honest, I’m constantly nervous about where he’s looking for inspiration. Unbelievably (I thought I was funny, why does he not think I’m funny anymore?!) I don’t think it’s me.

My youngest and my husband - the main cook in our house.

What happens when there’s no one showing you the way?

When there’s not a single other guy in your family or work circles or friendship group who is ploughing a different path and demonstrating the huge benefits of doing so. That’s gonna prove tricky.

We all know what a good training partner can do on a run. Imagine the opposite. Imagine everyone on your run doesn’t get beyond the first few metres before sitting down.

Thinking more broadly, are there that many male celebrities, sports stars, leaders shouting about doing things differently? Shouting not just that they are ‘good’ men (the ones shouting loudest about their ‘goodness’ have missed the point) but rather about the way they’re advocating for women, the priority they are placing on gender equality in their lives, the mistakes they are making along the way.

This clip shows how it’s done - Andy Murray and Bryan Habana challenging a reporter about Women’s sport.

This is absolutely not about me serving men excuses by the way. I’m not saying, ‘it’s not men’s fault” or diminishing responsibility, far from it. I am just acknowledging that there could be opportunities here, I’m trying to see a different angle, I’m starting a discussion and then going again.

Because what really bothers me are the lack of role models for my sons, particularly my eldest who is now in high school.

If it’s tricky for my husband, what must it be like for him. Who are his role models? Shudder. I genuinely don’t know who young boys look up to in the world right now. Or rather I’m scared to know. I’m scared that it’s mainly men whose success is defined by fast cars, cheap laughs and demonstrations of power.

If you’re a young boy and there’s not a single other guy on your YouTube feed or even within your friendship group who hangs out with girls, includes girls in their games, promotes other girls channels. Well…

Boys are told (by society) at a very young age that most things female are weak, embarrassing, to be avoided, ‘not for them.’ From ‘girly colours’, to the way we run. Look in any school playground, it’s not long before they have separated into two packs. Boys are inadvertently taught that girls are the enemy (it starts with different, then annoying and then…) Girls slowly learn that some boys are a different sort of enemy. Why by the age of six or seven are boys and girls not playing together as much? It’s messed up.

Even within our home, a home I have prided myself on creating as a place where gender isn’t a battleground.

If I asked the kids who champions gender equality in our household what would their answer be? Without doubt it would be me. No, we don’t fall into traditional stereotypes when it comes to labour at home - Gazzy cleans and cooks and does as much ‘childcare’ as me. I’m not underestimating the message this sends. This matters. The relationships in our household matter. But how about emotional labour? Who is responsible for the temperature of our house in terms of emotional wellbeing? Me. Who is the one talking to our older kids about consent and toxic masculinity etc. Me. Who feels more passionately that this stuff matters? Well it’s probably the person who has spent her whole life having to fight it on a daily basis.

---

This IWD, I want more. More advocacy and role modelling, even from my husband who is rightly proud of his record of promoting and championing women at work, who is so passionate about girls sport and coaches a girls football team, who is genuinely bothered when I do more of the household chores. Jeez some husbands barely look up from their phones to ask what’s for tea, maybe I should be grateful.

But grateful can be a loaded weapon. The shame of being seen as ‘ungrateful,’ for not being thankful for what we’ve already got on this front is dangerous ground. It retains the status quo. And the status quo is too low a bar (I find it hard to smile when I hear of men who are ‘wonderful’ for ‘babysitting’ their own kids). I am grateful that I have a husband who wants to do better and acknowledges his shortfalls. I am grateful that our relationship is strong enough to wish stand these conversations. These are things I am grateful for.

And I want to do more myself when it comes to my sons and where they are looking for guidance. Because I’m sure there will be role models out there that I don’t know about - I want to talk about them openly, I want to understand better how it feels to grow up as a boy in the world right now, I want to ensure that I acknowledge the challenges and that we take them on together.

---

I actually don’t care much if men speak out on social media this IWD.

The ones who spend their time lurking in some online spaces ready to troll anyone who dares to challenge the norm are potentially beyond this sort of conversation anyway (they’re the ones we need to be really worried about but that’s for another day). Ditto any annual tokenism - that single LinkedIn post about an event in the office that he may or may not attend depending on how the day plays out, tip of the iceberg.

What I want see is more men role modelling for the next generation an alternative way IN REAL, DAY-TO-DAY LIFE.

Being the one who says, “it’s ok to cry.” Being the one who says, “let’s make home made cards for Granny’s birthday,” or “I’m going for a walk with a mate because I sense they’re not feeling great.’ Watching women’s sport on TV. Shouting about great books written by women. When Uncle nob head makes a sexist remark, being the first one to challenge it because there is no such thing as minor sexism. Not just turning up at the IWD event, organising the damn thing. Speaking up for the woman who is spoken over in that meeting, because if not, then this becomes complicity. Doing all of this not just because they think women need allies (true, in many instances). Not just because they care about certain women in their lives (great). But because women are humans. And we all benefit from a society that centres humanity.

What I want to see are more male protagonists in books and on television taking on caring responsibilities and having the attributes traditionally assigned to women. Not just women being shown as fierce, men being shown as tender.

This stuff matters for the women who are experiencing gender discrimination right now AND for the girls AND boys coming up behind us.

---

It is shit to be a woman sometimes (also wonderful). I would start to describe the additional energy it takes to stay alive and sane and be the best version of yourself (and I am a white, able-bodied woman, I have it easier than so many) but I know that’s not necessary on here. To (re)discover that too many men see you as either someone to sleep with, own, or walk all over / dismiss. Sometimes all three. That too many men actually don’t like women that much. I mean, to say it’s disheartening would be a major understatement. It feels like we are within a whole new era of scary when it comes to women’s rights.

Gender is used to divide. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

---

This IWD I’m thinking about men and the part they can play.

The tag line this year is ‘accelerate action’ (erm, that sounds suitably vague?) One way I think we do that is involving more men in said action.

Because I also know that a lot of men are having to be someone they’re not most days too. And I get that this hurts. That men are hurting. No one really wants to work 80 hours a week and miss out on their kids growing up. No one really wants to fear for their safety around others of the same gender. I get that we have a mental health pandemic with men because no human being likes to be shoved into a box. And no human being likes to be told they are ‘the problem,’ or, ‘dangerous’- especially not young boys who aren’t responsible for the world they’ve been born into. I don’t want my boys growing up in that environment, it’s not healthy. As a parent raising boys, I want them involved in fighting for gender equality because without it they are also facing a battle to be their true selves.

---

Women are understandably angry with men. And somedays I am angry with men too.

I think that is a normal reaction in an oppressive regime. Somedays I am tired of it. I’m particularly angry with certain men (and women) who have so much power and do so much harm. I’m particularly angry with certain institutions and businesses that should do better. I’m irritated with IWD becoming what it has become. I’m angry that we’re still having to deal with this shit.

But mostly I am sad about it. I look at my sons with their potential role models being Andrew Tate and Elon Musk and I feel desperately sad about it. I look at my daughters and feel terrifyingly sad about it. Mostly I am ready for something different. Mostly I’ve realised that this issue isn’t black and white, there are not ‘good’ men and ‘bad’ men but rather many shades of, well mostly grey. Mostly I am up for educating not alienating. Mostly I care about women and I care about men. Mostly I want to pull apart capitalist patriarchal culture because I think everyone suffers under it, men and women.

Mostly I don’t want to fight, I want to find a way through, together. Mostly I’d like some decent role models for this ‘other way’. Role models for our girls and role models our boys.

And actually, I believe there are a lot of men who want the same.

My goodness I hope I’m right.

---

A few people worth checking out…

• Raising Myles
  by
  Marc Typo
  - honest and brilliant writing on the challenges (and joys) of raising boys.

• Ruth Whippman
  , author of Boy Mum, writes a brilliant Substack and holds discussion groups around this topic

• Joeli Brearley
  - my pal and all round brilliant human being has launched a new podcast with Elliott Rae exploring raising boys and masculinity!

If you know of any others I would LOVE you to add them in the comments. Also, positive male role models, please do list these too if you know of any.

Thanks

Nelly x